Heir we go, heir we go, heir we go – Tooting

Posted on by Patrick in Charity Shops, Mannequins, Shit London Photo, Shops, South, Weird | Leave a comment


Okay so this isn’t actually a photo of the new royal baby but I think you’ll agree that it’s a terrifyingly convincing representation of what is probably, maybe, perhaps happening somewhere in London right at this very moment. This Tooting charity shop has spared no expense in creating this stirring diorama guaranteed to squeeze a patriotic tear of joy from even the hardest, most cynical of subjects. Just look at the stunning attention to detail of the scene laid before you. The crib flanked by Union Jack flags looks just like The Mall when a foreign dignitary visits that needs impressing. To the bottom right you can already see a tiny handmaiden ready to devote her entire life in servitude to the new heir to the throne. The baby’s head rests on the Bayeux tapestry itself at the insistence of Kate who apparently personally demanded that the almost one thousand year old historical record be procured from the French as the new arrivals “blanky”. To top it off the new heir wears a stunning baby crown which is set to become the envy of every new mother in the country and their boring, normal, distastefully un-royal offspring.

Note as well the sign reading “Window display not for sale”. “Who could even afford to buy such a thing of beauty?” I hear you ask. Well, plenty apparently. A large group of people dressed exclusively in Union Jack emblazoned clothing made the short trip from Murray Mount in S.W.19 to haunt this charity shop determined to stay until the manager relinquishes the doll. They then plan to parade the doll around outside Kate’s hospital making the rest of the population look insane to international news crews and setting back British stereotypes to the Dick Van Dyke days. Once the circus at the hospital has died down the group then plan to wave the baby and the flags twenty four hours a day, seven days a week throughout the entire period of The Proms. After that their plan is to maintain a constant vigil outside of Kensington Palace until the baby turns sixteen and the Daily Mail produces a special “All Grown Up” souvenir pull out….or something.

Oral Pleasures – South Ken

Posted on by Patrick in Food, Shit London Photo, Signs, South, West | Leave a comment


There is absolutely no way on Earth that this isn’t intentional.

It just can’t be. Can it??

In fact it seems that this kind of innuendo is popular amongst purveyors of ice cream and some of them don’t even have to decency to bother with that, I mean just look at THIS PLACE!

Spotted by Hugo Russell

Route to Hell, Southwark

Posted on by Patrick in Shit London Photo, Signs, South, Transport | 2 Comments


Perhaps naively I always regarded the N29 as the bus to hell. This was based on nothing more than witnessing a succession of fights on there, seeing not one but two people manage to alight from the bus only to then fall under it wheels and get run over but mostly the clientele which often times resembled characters from a deleted scene from Jim Henson’s, The Dark Crystal.

It seems I was wrong though and that London has had its own dedicated bus service to the subterranean kingdom of Lucifer running for a while now. This must be down to Boris.

Spotted by Brendan Guyatt

Poor Jem, Teddington

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, Graffiti, Puns, Shit London Photo, South | 1 Comment


There would have been an evening a few years ago when Jem was dreaming of setting up his “one stop shop for all your household needs” and perhaps he or a friend came up with this cast iron and pleasingly relevant pun name to call the business. A warm, wholesome name that conjured images of dreams coming true, of benign elderly men in shiny, flammable clothing and armchairs installed with mechanised badge delivery systems. Fast forward a few years and the name he once so adored has become a horrible reminder of a real life bogey man, his myriad of deviant crimes and the shattered dreams of thousands of children. Jem finds himself constantly taunted by people in the street saying “Are you going to change your name?” or perhaps giving him sideways glances and wondering if merely through association with the pun he may perhaps be a dreaded nonce. The words “Local Friendly Service” take on a new sinister edge. Poor Jem finally is driven to graffiti his own van just to stop the sniggers, the dumb questions and the whispers behind his back. His once perfect dream now lays in tatters around his feet, a solid pun now a millstone around his neck. I bet even watching those scouts trying to eat their packed lunch on a rollercoaster can’t raise a smile from his these days.

Spotted by Matt Aldhouse

Borderline Copyright Infringement, Streatham

Posted on by Patrick in Puns, Shit London Photo, Shops, Signs, South, Weird | 3 Comments


Maybe the owners of this mini-cab company should’ve Googled “copyright infringement” before they chose to put this sign up. I suppose this felt like a cunning idea at the time. Call your mini-cab company “Google Cars” and then every time somebody types “cars” into Google your mini cab company will pop up at the top of the page, right? Except, it doesn’t really work like that in practice does it? Maybe the owners of this place thought they were working along the same principle of those plumbers who call there business “AAAAA000000011111 Plumbers” in an attempt to appear first in the Yellow Pages. Who knows? One thing that is for certain is that is not an attempt by Google to diversify their business by muscling in on the South London mini-cab market. As a business move that would make no sense, it’s not something a giant company would do unless they have a special division devoted to making wild, outlandish and improbable investments.

The hastily rearranged sign changing “Google Cars” into the enigmatic sounding “Goooglie Cars” suggest that they might have got a phone call from the lawyers at Google HQ. It’s no surprise really considering that they are the only company who have little cars driving around that are constantly and consistently photographing everything on the street. They were bound to notice at some point.

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