Heir we go, heir we go, heir we go – Tooting

Posted on by Patrick in Charity Shops, Mannequins, Shit London Photo, Shops, South, Weird | Leave a comment


Okay so this isn’t actually a photo of the new royal baby but I think you’ll agree that it’s a terrifyingly convincing representation of what is probably, maybe, perhaps happening somewhere in London right at this very moment. This Tooting charity shop has spared no expense in creating this stirring diorama guaranteed to squeeze a patriotic tear of joy from even the hardest, most cynical of subjects. Just look at the stunning attention to detail of the scene laid before you. The crib flanked by Union Jack flags looks just like The Mall when a foreign dignitary visits that needs impressing. To the bottom right you can already see a tiny handmaiden ready to devote her entire life in servitude to the new heir to the throne. The baby’s head rests on the Bayeux tapestry itself at the insistence of Kate who apparently personally demanded that the almost one thousand year old historical record be procured from the French as the new arrivals “blanky”. To top it off the new heir wears a stunning baby crown which is set to become the envy of every new mother in the country and their boring, normal, distastefully un-royal offspring.

Note as well the sign reading “Window display not for sale”. “Who could even afford to buy such a thing of beauty?” I hear you ask. Well, plenty apparently. A large group of people dressed exclusively in Union Jack emblazoned clothing made the short trip from Murray Mount in S.W.19 to haunt this charity shop determined to stay until the manager relinquishes the doll. They then plan to parade the doll around outside Kate’s hospital making the rest of the population look insane to international news crews and setting back British stereotypes to the Dick Van Dyke days. Once the circus at the hospital has died down the group then plan to wave the baby and the flags twenty four hours a day, seven days a week throughout the entire period of The Proms. After that their plan is to maintain a constant vigil outside of Kensington Palace until the baby turns sixteen and the Daily Mail produces a special “All Grown Up” souvenir pull out….or something.

Borderline Copyright Infringement, Streatham

Posted on by Patrick in Puns, Shit London Photo, Shops, Signs, South, Weird | 3 Comments


Maybe the owners of this mini-cab company should’ve Googled “copyright infringement” before they chose to put this sign up. I suppose this felt like a cunning idea at the time. Call your mini-cab company “Google Cars” and then every time somebody types “cars” into Google your mini cab company will pop up at the top of the page, right? Except, it doesn’t really work like that in practice does it? Maybe the owners of this place thought they were working along the same principle of those plumbers who call there business “AAAAA000000011111 Plumbers” in an attempt to appear first in the Yellow Pages. Who knows? One thing that is for certain is that is not an attempt by Google to diversify their business by muscling in on the South London mini-cab market. As a business move that would make no sense, it’s not something a giant company would do unless they have a special division devoted to making wild, outlandish and improbable investments.

The hastily rearranged sign changing “Google Cars” into the enigmatic sounding “Goooglie Cars” suggest that they might have got a phone call from the lawyers at Google HQ. It’s no surprise really considering that they are the only company who have little cars driving around that are constantly and consistently photographing everything on the street. They were bound to notice at some point.

Minced What Now??, Finchley Road

Posted on by Patrick in North, Restaurants, Shit London Photo, Signs, Weird | 1 Comment


In the ongoing and seemingly endless game of oneupmanship between the epicureans of London there is always fierce competition to seek out stranger and more exclusively batshit gastronomical experiences. Some people will queue up for five hours outside a multi-storey car park somewhere to get the chance to eat at a pop-up restaurant that serves traditional American barbecue with a Micronesian twist. I’ve heard people talk about eating pulled pork from pigs that were raised in bouncy castles on a diet of conkers, gabba music and late night truffle hunting sessions. Sometimes it seems that the story, the experience and claiming to have eaten something no one else has are actually more important than the food itself. However, this Persian restaurant on Finchley Road may have just stumped them all though by becoming London’s first eatery offering baby meat because as yet there is no solid evidence to support the rumour that Harrods food hall have been stocking baby under the counter for years.

Spotted Kath Woolf

Scary Doll, Highgate

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, Found, Mannequins, Mysteries, North, Shit London Photo, Weird | Leave a comment


I’m not speaking from any position of authority here when I say this but I am almost certain that this doll is cursed in some way. If it doesn’t have an actual curse on it I think we can all at least agree that is probably evil. Why? Well look at its face for starters, that and the fact it was found hanging about Highgate Woods. “No, that’s just what dolls looked like in the olden days” you might say. Fair enough, they did, but that still doesn’t stop them from looking evil. And think about it, have you ever, ever seen a single old black and white photograph of a child looking happy? Hmmm? No, you haven’t. Each photo that you’ve seen of an olden times child they always are wearing a slightly haunted expression, as if they have seen horror you can’t possibly imagine. Why? These kids are terrified of their own toys, they haven’t slept in weeks, they are plagued with nightmarish visions of waking up in the night to find tiny, cold porcelain hands wrapped around their throats. You look into those eyes and you see a child full of fear, incomprehension and a longing for “Tickle me Elmo” to be invented.

Perhaps the most terrifying thing is that the doll appears to have written this poster itself!

Spotted by Liesal South

Bum Wrap, Peckham

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, London Papers, Shit London Photo, South, Weird | 2 Comments

Bum Wrap, Peckham

You know that statistic that if you put a gun in bum you’re 98% more likely to be shot in the ass that someone who doesn’t….or something like that…well this guy obviously threw caution to the wind and stuck it up there anyway, for thrills or for simple storage isn’t exactly clear.

He could be one of those pro-gun nuts that has fetishised gun ownership to the point that he likes to be penetrated by firearms or he could have unwittingly been being used as a human silencer/smuggling device/manchurian candidate by a second party who at some point would subtly stick their hand into his ass and start pumping lead into an unsuspecting crowd.

Either way this person strikes me as a “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead ass” kind of guy.

Spotted by Jonathan Buckmaster


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