Heir we go, heir we go, heir we go – Tooting

Posted on by Patrick in Charity Shops, Mannequins, Shit London Photo, Shops, South, Weird | Leave a comment


Okay so this isn’t actually a photo of the new royal baby but I think you’ll agree that it’s a terrifyingly convincing representation of what is probably, maybe, perhaps happening somewhere in London right at this very moment. This Tooting charity shop has spared no expense in creating this stirring diorama guaranteed to squeeze a patriotic tear of joy from even the hardest, most cynical of subjects. Just look at the stunning attention to detail of the scene laid before you. The crib flanked by Union Jack flags looks just like The Mall when a foreign dignitary visits that needs impressing. To the bottom right you can already see a tiny handmaiden ready to devote her entire life in servitude to the new heir to the throne. The baby’s head rests on the Bayeux tapestry itself at the insistence of Kate who apparently personally demanded that the almost one thousand year old historical record be procured from the French as the new arrivals “blanky”. To top it off the new heir wears a stunning baby crown which is set to become the envy of every new mother in the country and their boring, normal, distastefully un-royal offspring.

Note as well the sign reading “Window display not for sale”. “Who could even afford to buy such a thing of beauty?” I hear you ask. Well, plenty apparently. A large group of people dressed exclusively in Union Jack emblazoned clothing made the short trip from Murray Mount in S.W.19 to haunt this charity shop determined to stay until the manager relinquishes the doll. They then plan to parade the doll around outside Kate’s hospital making the rest of the population look insane to international news crews and setting back British stereotypes to the Dick Van Dyke days. Once the circus at the hospital has died down the group then plan to wave the baby and the flags twenty four hours a day, seven days a week throughout the entire period of The Proms. After that their plan is to maintain a constant vigil outside of Kensington Palace until the baby turns sixteen and the Daily Mail produces a special “All Grown Up” souvenir pull out….or something.

Borderline Copyright Infringement, Streatham

Posted on by Patrick in Puns, Shit London Photo, Shops, Signs, South, Weird | 3 Comments


Maybe the owners of this mini-cab company should’ve Googled “copyright infringement” before they chose to put this sign up. I suppose this felt like a cunning idea at the time. Call your mini-cab company “Google Cars” and then every time somebody types “cars” into Google your mini cab company will pop up at the top of the page, right? Except, it doesn’t really work like that in practice does it? Maybe the owners of this place thought they were working along the same principle of those plumbers who call there business “AAAAA000000011111 Plumbers” in an attempt to appear first in the Yellow Pages. Who knows? One thing that is for certain is that is not an attempt by Google to diversify their business by muscling in on the South London mini-cab market. As a business move that would make no sense, it’s not something a giant company would do unless they have a special division devoted to making wild, outlandish and improbable investments.

The hastily rearranged sign changing “Google Cars” into the enigmatic sounding “Goooglie Cars” suggest that they might have got a phone call from the lawyers at Google HQ. It’s no surprise really considering that they are the only company who have little cars driving around that are constantly and consistently photographing everything on the street. They were bound to notice at some point.

Supermarket, Balham

Posted on by Patrick in Shit London Photo, Shops, Signs, South | Leave a comment

Supermarket, Balham

Dogs are great, don’t get me wrong. They prove a trusty companion in life, they’ll eagerly keep fetching sticks as long as keep throwing them and are such devoted littles divs that even if you abandon then at a service station car park in Wales they’ll find their way back home again….probably…and won’t hold it against you. The thing that bothers me with dogs is that unlike say, goldfish, hamsters or cats is that when you acquire a dog you are not only getting a companion but also a rock solid guarantee that for at least ten years, at the minimum of twice a day you’ll be picking up warm dog poo with a plastic bag you’re just praying doesn’t have a hole in it, a fact that this branch of Sainsburys seems to recognise.

…and who needs that kind of commitment in their life?

No need to be coy, Enfield

Posted on by Patrick in Shit London Photo, Shops, Signs | 2 Comments

No need to be coy, Enfield

If your chosen career is pubic topiary then really there’s no time for coyness when punting for business. Other places take a far more prosaic approach as evidenced in this picture HERE .

Spotted by Daniel O’Brien

Transformers, Kings Cross

Posted on by Patrick in Shit London Photo, Shops | Leave a comment



Shit Londoner Jonathan Jasor sent in this photo of a rather specialist shop and said….

“Check this out, if there was a “random shop of the year” category, this one would certainly be a heavyweight contender, Transformation…a shop entirely dedicated to..cross-dressing!
Yes, and it’s in King’s Cross, obviously!
I don’t even know where to start… the picture of late 80s dude picture next to… the same 80s dude in a flamenco dress, classic before and after shot? The fact that “This could be you”? The sign in bold letters saying “confidential crossdressing specialists”?… or the confident statement that “no matter what age or shape” you are, they’ll make you a gorgeous specimen of the opposite sex?
I don’t know, for my part, I’d always give the thumbs up to a shop that advertises and sells “realistic breasts”!

I really like the fact that there is something for everyone in this city. Maybe one day we’ll get a mash up, one of the Jesus guys will stand outside and shit will really hit the fan London!!”

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