Poor Jem, Teddington

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, Graffiti, Puns, Shit London Photo, South | 1 Comment


There would have been an evening a few years ago when Jem was dreaming of setting up his “one stop shop for all your household needs” and perhaps he or a friend came up with this cast iron and pleasingly relevant pun name to call the business. A warm, wholesome name that conjured images of dreams coming true, of benign elderly men in shiny, flammable clothing and armchairs installed with mechanised badge delivery systems. Fast forward a few years and the name he once so adored has become a horrible reminder of a real life bogey man, his myriad of deviant crimes and the shattered dreams of thousands of children. Jem finds himself constantly taunted by people in the street saying “Are you going to change your name?” or perhaps giving him sideways glances and wondering if merely through association with the pun he may perhaps be a dreaded nonce. The words “Local Friendly Service” take on a new sinister edge. Poor Jem finally is driven to graffiti his own van just to stop the sniggers, the dumb questions and the whispers behind his back. His once perfect dream now lays in tatters around his feet, a solid pun now a millstone around his neck. I bet even watching those scouts trying to eat their packed lunch on a rollercoaster can’t raise a smile from his these days.

Spotted by Matt Aldhouse

Stay Safe, Soho

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, Local Government, Shit London Photo, West End | Leave a comment


Sometimes I feel sorry for the Met. If they stand back and “observe” as people are burnt out of their homes and every precious branch of JD Sports in South London is looted to oblivion then people get pissed off at them. If they gather in their hundreds in full riot gear to eject a few protestors from an old police station in Soho, people get pissed off at them for that. If during some light hearted kettling they violently shove a half cut, middle aged man with his hands in his pockets onto his face who then subsequently has a heart attack and dies, the public gets all uppity about the fact they tried to blame their way out of it. Worse still, when an officer innocently tries to earn a little more cash then the pittance they are on by selling confidential information to the press they are widely condemned for it. They just can’t win can they? Which I why I feel especially sorry for them when I see sights like this that suggest that they can’t even make a window safe let alone an entire neighbourhood.

Spotted by John Marshall

Insensitive Planning, Sutton

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, Buildings, Local Government, Shit London Photo, Signs, South | 1 Comment

life centre

It’s important in life to be aware of your own mortality. In fact not being aware of your own mortality can often lead to people coming face to face with it in sudden, lively and painful ways. Sutton Council’s decision to place their Life Centre mere yards from their cemetery seems at first glance a deeply cynical move. Thinking about it though it makes perfect sense in these times. To reduce carbon emissions it’s logical to get all the buildings that deal with life and death located as near to each other as possible. Hospitals should always be built next to cemeteries. Whilst it understandably might upset a few sensitive people and possibly depress the patients, it would reduce massively the emissions from all those private ambulances ferrying the recently deceased around like luxurious black cabs for those with rigor mortis. Local authorities could side step the need for those entirely by simply installing a network of water-slide type tubes to which connect various hospital departments directly to the cemetery next door. When a patient dies just make sure they’re not wearing a watch, any jewellery or cut-off denim shorts and then pop their cadaver down the tube. It’d be just a like a rather macabre version of that Barclaycard ad but marginally less irritating after the thirtieth time you’ve seen it.

Spotted by Richard Sweet

Scary Doll, Highgate

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, Found, Mannequins, Mysteries, North, Shit London Photo, Weird | Leave a comment


I’m not speaking from any position of authority here when I say this but I am almost certain that this doll is cursed in some way. If it doesn’t have an actual curse on it I think we can all at least agree that is probably evil. Why? Well look at its face for starters, that and the fact it was found hanging about Highgate Woods. “No, that’s just what dolls looked like in the olden days” you might say. Fair enough, they did, but that still doesn’t stop them from looking evil. And think about it, have you ever, ever seen a single old black and white photograph of a child looking happy? Hmmm? No, you haven’t. Each photo that you’ve seen of an olden times child they always are wearing a slightly haunted expression, as if they have seen horror you can’t possibly imagine. Why? These kids are terrified of their own toys, they haven’t slept in weeks, they are plagued with nightmarish visions of waking up in the night to find tiny, cold porcelain hands wrapped around their throats. You look into those eyes and you see a child full of fear, incomprehension and a longing for “Tickle me Elmo” to be invented.

Perhaps the most terrifying thing is that the doll appears to have written this poster itself!

Spotted by Liesal South

Bum Wrap, Peckham

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, London Papers, Shit London Photo, South, Weird | 2 Comments

Bum Wrap, Peckham

You know that statistic that if you put a gun in bum you’re 98% more likely to be shot in the ass that someone who doesn’t….or something like that…well this guy obviously threw caution to the wind and stuck it up there anyway, for thrills or for simple storage isn’t exactly clear.

He could be one of those pro-gun nuts that has fetishised gun ownership to the point that he likes to be penetrated by firearms or he could have unwittingly been being used as a human silencer/smuggling device/manchurian candidate by a second party who at some point would subtly stick their hand into his ass and start pumping lead into an unsuspecting crowd.

Either way this person strikes me as a “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead ass” kind of guy.

Spotted by Jonathan Buckmaster


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