Heir we go, heir we go, heir we go – Tooting

Posted on by Patrick in Charity Shops, Mannequins, Shit London Photo, Shops, South, Weird | Leave a comment


Okay so this isn’t actually a photo of the new royal baby but I think you’ll agree that it’s a terrifyingly convincing representation of what is probably, maybe, perhaps happening somewhere in London right at this very moment. This Tooting charity shop has spared no expense in creating this stirring diorama guaranteed to squeeze a patriotic tear of joy from even the hardest, most cynical of subjects. Just look at the stunning attention to detail of the scene laid before you. The crib flanked by Union Jack flags looks just like The Mall when a foreign dignitary visits that needs impressing. To the bottom right you can already see a tiny handmaiden ready to devote her entire life in servitude to the new heir to the throne. The baby’s head rests on the Bayeux tapestry itself at the insistence of Kate who apparently personally demanded that the almost one thousand year old historical record be procured from the French as the new arrivals “blanky”. To top it off the new heir wears a stunning baby crown which is set to become the envy of every new mother in the country and their boring, normal, distastefully un-royal offspring.

Note as well the sign reading “Window display not for sale”. “Who could even afford to buy such a thing of beauty?” I hear you ask. Well, plenty apparently. A large group of people dressed exclusively in Union Jack emblazoned clothing made the short trip from Murray Mount in S.W.19 to haunt this charity shop determined to stay until the manager relinquishes the doll. They then plan to parade the doll around outside Kate’s hospital making the rest of the population look insane to international news crews and setting back British stereotypes to the Dick Van Dyke days. Once the circus at the hospital has died down the group then plan to wave the baby and the flags twenty four hours a day, seven days a week throughout the entire period of The Proms. After that their plan is to maintain a constant vigil outside of Kensington Palace until the baby turns sixteen and the Daily Mail produces a special “All Grown Up” souvenir pull out….or something.

Scary Doll, Highgate

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, Found, Mannequins, Mysteries, North, Shit London Photo, Weird | Leave a comment


I’m not speaking from any position of authority here when I say this but I am almost certain that this doll is cursed in some way. If it doesn’t have an actual curse on it I think we can all at least agree that is probably evil. Why? Well look at its face for starters, that and the fact it was found hanging about Highgate Woods. “No, that’s just what dolls looked like in the olden days” you might say. Fair enough, they did, but that still doesn’t stop them from looking evil. And think about it, have you ever, ever seen a single old black and white photograph of a child looking happy? Hmmm? No, you haven’t. Each photo that you’ve seen of an olden times child they always are wearing a slightly haunted expression, as if they have seen horror you can’t possibly imagine. Why? These kids are terrified of their own toys, they haven’t slept in weeks, they are plagued with nightmarish visions of waking up in the night to find tiny, cold porcelain hands wrapped around their throats. You look into those eyes and you see a child full of fear, incomprehension and a longing for “Tickle me Elmo” to be invented.

Perhaps the most terrifying thing is that the doll appears to have written this poster itself!

Spotted by Liesal South

Eno, Peckham

Posted on by Patrick in Hairdressers, Mannequins, Shit London Photo, South, Weird | Leave a comment

Eno, Peckham

Having trouble achieving that perfect Brian Eno look? This beauty shop in Peckham has you covered…bizarrely.

Spotted by Ian Brzozowski

Grotesque Chef, West End

Posted on by Patrick in Bad Art, Mannequins, Restaurants, Shit London Photo, Weird, West End | 4 Comments

Grotesque Chef, West End

I’ve seen subtle variations of this chef statue all over the world. Who decided that having an inebriated, Quasimodo-esque, grimacing totem like this outside a restaurant would be a good way to entice customers in remains a mystery. But obviously enough people do because somewhere in the world there is a factory that is churning these things out. It’s probably the same factory that produces those models of the grinning butcher with the massive forearms, the smiling bespectacled waiter holding out a menu and that freakish cone of chips eating chips out of it’s own head. You know the ones. Imagine working there. Imagine being the person that designed them.

Those are the kind of thoughts that keep me awake at night. I should probably get a life.

Spotted by Cameron MacDowall

Bulge, Edgware Road

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, Mannequins, Shit London Photo, Weird, West End | Leave a comment

Bulge, Edgware Road

I’ve commented on this unfortunate figure before. He lives in the window of a shop catering for the loftier or more rotund man. I can only speculate on the indignity of having to shop at a specialist shop for your clothing just to be greeted by this oddly jaundiced looking statue of renowned fat man Oliver Hardy almost bursting out of his clothing. Whoever thought that would be a good idea? Still, at least they’ve given him a Santa hat to wear.

Spotted by Sarah Singh