London Papers

Bum Wrap, Peckham

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, London Papers, Shit London Photo, South, Weird | 2 Comments

Bum Wrap, Peckham

You know that statistic that if you put a gun in bum you’re 98% more likely to be shot in the ass that someone who doesn’t….or something like that…well this guy obviously threw caution to the wind and stuck it up there anyway, for thrills or for simple storage isn’t exactly clear.

He could be one of those pro-gun nuts that has fetishised gun ownership to the point that he likes to be penetrated by firearms or he could have unwittingly been being used as a human silencer/smuggling device/manchurian candidate by a second party who at some point would subtly stick their hand into his ass and start pumping lead into an unsuspecting crowd.

Either way this person strikes me as a “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead ass” kind of guy.

Spotted by Jonathan Buckmaster


Headline, Upper Norwood

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, London Papers, Shit London Photo, South | Leave a comment

Headline, Upper Norwood

I love it when you see a newspaper headline so arresting that it slaps you about the face and takes you a few seconds to actually process what you’ve just read. This headline has it all, tragedy, obesity and sky diving, the holy triumvirate. It’s the kind of story that only comes along once in a journalists career. This manages to be both funny and deeply sad simultaneously. It’s such an improbable collection of words to see together on a headline board that it’s easy to forget that this represents something that happened to a real person in what was almost certainly quite an upsetting experience for somebody already under a cloud of grief. There are organs of mine that have just aged 5 years just by restraining my impulse to laugh at this but my conscience  (that do gooding, butter-wouldn’t-melt swine) is telling me I shouldn’t, I’m worried enough about the state of my soul as it is.

Rarely have I felt so torn.

Spotted by Tim Gee

Job Advice, LSE

Posted on by Patrick in London Papers, Shit London Photo | 1 Comment

Job Advice, LSE

Shit Londoner David James spotted this at the London School of Economics campus and is wisely skeptical about this employment finding technique… “Ah, so the secret to getting a job is to tote around an armful of sodden, stinking newspaper? I must have been doing it wrong.”

With the obvious exception of papier mache artists I can’t see how this would help anybody find a job, but then what do I know?

Do you or have you at any time carried around an armful of sodden newspaper? Has this made you more employable? Did it find you a job?

Manger Danger, Camberwell

Posted on by Patrick in Christmas, London Papers, Shit London Photo, South | Leave a comment

Manger Danger, Camberwell

What this headline doesn’t tell you is that this is just one in a long line of attacks on nativity scenes across South London. Nobody is quite sure what started this violent inter-church rivalry but it is clearly spiralling out of control with the police seemingly unwilling or unable to do anything about it. Just a few days ago a man walking along the Thames at low tide discovered models of the three wise men with their feet encased in concrete. A week before a figure believed to be Joseph was discovered in a wheelie bin in Croydon with its teeth, hands and feet removed making further identification impossible. Most shockingly, a vicar in Balham awoke to find the severed head of a model little donkey in bed with him. He blames a local Church of England youth group and their leader who he describes as having “gone rogue”.

More news as we get it.

Spotted by Sally Salter

Posted on by Patrick in East, Found, London Papers, Lost Pets, Shit London Photo | 1 Comment

Cat News!!, Iflord

Shit Londoner Daljinder Bhurjee sent in this photo from the mean streets of Ilford where cat news is BIG news.

Daljinder says…“As you know, Cats just don’t give a fuck. You invite them into your home, give them a basket to sleep in, food to eat and yet all they do is demand more. Well not this one cat from, it appear that it had enough of its owner and in true bohemian style, upped and left for four years. Unfortunately it has not been documented what the cat was doing for those four years but I have a feeling it went to all the places a gap year student visits and slept with a lot of Australian cats. Nevertheless, it probably has lots of photos that it is arranging to put on its Facebook page. Quite how the Ilford Recorder got hold of this news is beyond me but it made headline news in the grotty east London borough.”