Charity Shops

Heir we go, heir we go, heir we go – Tooting

Posted on by Patrick in Charity Shops, Mannequins, Shit London Photo, Shops, South, Weird | Leave a comment


Okay so this isn’t actually a photo of the new royal baby but I think you’ll agree that it’s a terrifyingly convincing representation of what is probably, maybe, perhaps happening somewhere in London right at this very moment. This Tooting charity shop has spared no expense in creating this stirring diorama guaranteed to squeeze a patriotic tear of joy from even the hardest, most cynical of subjects. Just look at the stunning attention to detail of the scene laid before you. The crib flanked by Union Jack flags looks just like The Mall when a foreign dignitary visits that needs impressing. To the bottom right you can already see a tiny handmaiden ready to devote her entire life in servitude to the new heir to the throne. The baby’s head rests on the Bayeux tapestry itself at the insistence of Kate who apparently personally demanded that the almost one thousand year old historical record be procured from the French as the new arrivals “blanky”. To top it off the new heir wears a stunning baby crown which is set to become the envy of every new mother in the country and their boring, normal, distastefully un-royal offspring.

Note as well the sign reading “Window display not for sale”. “Who could even afford to buy such a thing of beauty?” I hear you ask. Well, plenty apparently. A large group of people dressed exclusively in Union Jack emblazoned clothing made the short trip from Murray Mount in S.W.19 to haunt this charity shop determined to stay until the manager relinquishes the doll. They then plan to parade the doll around outside Kate’s hospital making the rest of the population look insane to international news crews and setting back British stereotypes to the Dick Van Dyke days. Once the circus at the hospital has died down the group then plan to wave the baby and the flags twenty four hours a day, seven days a week throughout the entire period of The Proms. After that their plan is to maintain a constant vigil outside of Kensington Palace until the baby turns sixteen and the Daily Mail produces a special “All Grown Up” souvenir pull out….or something.

Budget Decorations, Kingston

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, Charity Shops, Christmas, Shit London Photo, Shops, South | Leave a comment

Budget Decorations, Kingston

Whilst I admire the spirit of resourcefulness demonstrated by this charity shop in using soiled underwear as makeshift bunting ( especially during these pinched times ) it’s hard to escape the fact that this is still just a bunch of used old bras with a couple of sad looking baubles hanging off them like the christmassy ghosts of their former inhabitants.

This is the kind of idea that sounds good in theory but in execution ends up looking like set dressing for a St. Trinian’s movie. ch

Spotted by Andi McLoew

Posted on by Patrick in Bleak, Charity Shops, East, Shit London Photo, Shops, Weird | 1 Comment

Surprise!, Plaistow

Charity shops are magical places. You literally have no idea what treasure you may find after stepping through their doors. It might be a copy of Jack Frost on VHS or even somebody’s old dildo!

One of the best jobs I ever had was working in charity shop when I was doing my A-levels. Part of the deal was that we got to have first claim on anything that was donated. For a nominal fee, somewhere between a pound or nothing, we were free to take home pretty much anything we wanted. Bin bags of donations would arrive and one of us would be given the task of going out the back and sorting through them all. I found some incredible stuff in my time there, rare vinyl, some choice books, a few items of designer clothing. There was always the risk however that you could find something unpleasant too. Soiled underwear was the nightmare scenario, a scenario that unfolded with depressing regularity. I learnt not to judge people by appearance alone after falling foul to a succession of seemingly well to do, balanced individuals pulling up in expensive cars, chatting about how they’d had a huge clear out and wanted their discarded bric a brac to go to good use, only to find they’ve thoughtfully donated a couple of pairs a beskidded Y-fronts into the bargain. They were the main hazard but I discovered a new one the day I found a mysterious black and gold cylinder that looked like a breath freshener. Trying to get it to work I gave it a bash. Instantly it emitted an eardrum tearing screech and sprayed some sort of mist into my face. I fell back into a pile of clothes, my eyes suddenly burning. I was blind and couldn’t see. Someone had kindly donated a rape alarm complete with a single usage of Mace. My colleague at the time found me thrashing around on the floor, choking, crying and thoroughly disorientated. I managed to gasp “Mace! Rape!” but she just laughed and told me that it was my turn on the till.

Spotted by Jennifer Wilson